Day 722

Day 722,
Well everybody said it wouldn't be easy and they were right. If I were to tell you that I've come a long way, that would still be an understatement. I never would have thought that so much could happen just two short years. Obviously by starting this update out by day 722 you probably already figured out that I've remained successful at halting the hustle.
I'll start off by saying that I was right when I said my girlfriend and I wouldn't make it . But we didn't break up because of halting the hustle, we broke up because I fell in love with somebody else. He's been my best friend and my partner through all of this. We've been together for almost the whole two years, through all my high and lows. I'm not saying that is was easy either because trust me we've had our rough times. But I know how with each passing day everything is going to get even better and so far i haven't encountered anything i couldn't handle. We're even discussing marriage. I've got a great job making 60000 a year, it's pretty demanding requiring almost 60 hours a week from me. I've been there for 7 months and look forward to many more. I became a grandma this year and even though my daughter refuses to let me see her I know one day she will meet me and we'll both fall in love. Well in the beginning i talked about the lack of support from my family giving me that motivation and drive to want to improve myself. I wish i could tell you they came around and seen how far I'd come and now we were as close as ever. But nope, with the exception of just a few people (none family), i have done this on my own. I've proven to myself that anything you want bad enough you'll figure out a way. I now have my own home and I'm completely responsible for it and all the bills that come along with it. I just finished my one year lease and am currently on the hunt for something even bigger and better. I have a vehicle and my two kids living at home and we're all doing great.
I still miss Matthew and that situation hasn't gotten any easier. They send me pictures of him every year and thanks to social media i get to see even more pictures of him. I know the pain will never go away but seeing the smiles on his face and the true happiness in his eyes makes my pain bearable. Through it all I've cried a lot lost, confused and praying that my family would be there for me and would have something to do with me and my kids. I've never understood what i could have done to cause them to disown us that is so bad that even when faced with death and a time limit here on earth, it isn't put aside to enjoy the time we do have. My mom is terminally ill and even though I've tried numerous times to reach out to her, I've had no luck. Despite that, i love her and always will. I'm angry though and just tell myself she's just helping me to get use to her being gone. Maybe one day they'll see it the way I do. I was also diagnosed with lupus over a year ago which has helped put things in perspective. Our time on earth is short, so enjoy every minute you can. It's my families loss. I only feel bad that my son doesn't even know what grandparents or aunts or uncles are. And my daughter is old enough to know they abandoned her. It's truly their loss because i have some really awesome kids.
 I took up tattooing, I'm actually pretty good at it, I now I have tattoos all over me. I love them and I'm a lot more interesting to look at. My niece tells me often that she loves me. She says despite the way here mom (my twin sister) feels about me...Ohana, meaning, family never gets left behind or forgotten. She's one special girl, with a good head on her shoulders. So Ohana will be my next tattoo in her honor to remind me not to give up.
I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I'm sober and clean and completely drug free in my life. But I am going to say, that we all have addictions. Whether it's coffee, ice cream, chocolate, cigarettes, alcohol, pills, porn, shopping, sex, food....we all have our addictions. Being an addict doesn't make you a junkie, unless you let it control your life. I am not a junkie. I am no longer disappointed in the person i am and I'm proud of the mother I'm becoming everyday. Only God gets to judge us. So unless you're perfect, please remember God's word and love one another despite a person's flaw. I'm so excited for the future ahead of me, with or without my family by my side. Because i know God will never give me more than i can handle and with him by my side i can achieve anything!

Day 54: Halting the Hustle

Day 54: I was told recently that I'm a quiet person. That even though I am present in the room I am often somewhere far away, deep within my own thoughts, oblivious to what is going on around me. Funny, in all my life I have never been described as a quiet person. I'm usually being teased about how I never stop talking and no one can get a word in edgewise. I've never been just " a person " in the room, I've always been "the person" in the room. The life of the party. In high school when they hand out the end of the year titles such as the most likely to succeed, class clown, most popular, I received the title of "fastest talker". I've always been great with people, working customer service positions In all my past jobs. But life experiences must really change a person. I feel changed all the way to the core of me. The job I work now requires very little, if any customer interaction. Really it has little or no interaction with anyone for that matter. And I absolutely love it. It's nice not having to waste energy on being fake, not having to force a smile. I really find me happiest when I'm alone now. I don't want to talk, I don't want to have to pretend to care about what the other person is saying, I don't want to have to look at another person face to face. I know this isn't normal, but I feel as if the day I handed over Matthew he took my soul with him. I know I have my other children and for their sake I continue to fake it when they are around. But it's becoming exhausting. That's why I like going to work now, don't have to fake anything and I can actually relax. The part I hate the most is hanging around people who have known me for a while and constantly ask me what's wrong, what am I thinking about when I drift away in thought. They refuse to believe me when I tell them nothing. But it's the truth. Their really isn't one single thing I can pin point as being wrong with me and when I drift away I really am thinking about nothing, cause that's where I'm most comfortable....nowhere, thinking of nothing. I mean how do you answer the question " whats wrong", when it seems that there's nothing right? If I really did allow myself to think about or talk about all the things that are causing me so much hurt and anger I would probably become a crazy person needing to be hospitalized. So I stick with the safer alternative, putting up a shield that not even I can penetrate.



Day 50: Halting the Hustle

Day 50: Sorry about my long absence. With the extremely crazy hours I’m working and me becoming ill with a horrible stomach bug, I haven’t had time to blog. Well it appears my job may become a thing of my past. It seems that the friends that were so quick to offer me help if I were to get the job, were just being polite. I am finding it difficult to get rides to work anymore and the sad things is I am only asking an average of 2 times a week. So if that is too much to ask then the offer was probably never really there. I really do love this job, but I defiantly did not understand how important having a car would be. The one friend I never expected to blow me off, the friend that owes me over $500 for the cost of my warrant he caused me to have, was the first to be done helping me. He knows how important this job is to me, I would think he would feel a sense of obligation. I know, I know how can I still continue to have faith in people? Should I be surprised, no. So as with everything else in my life I’ll just take it one day at a time, asking God for his help and hopefully we will find something to make it possible for me to keep my job. I hope this blog makes sense, I have been sober for three days and my head has become completely fuzzy. I’ve been crying all day, snapping at everyone I come in contact with. I want so bad to succeed but am feeling even more alone with each passing day. I have a long work day tomorrow, so I’m going to head to bed right now. Any comforting words anyone can offer would be greatly appreciated, I am feeling so very low right now. Thanks.

” Don’t feel sad over someone

who gave up on you.

Feel sorry for them, because

they gave up on someone who

never would have given up on them. “

Day 43: Halting the Hustle

Day 43: Yes, it is true you can't die from withdrawals from quitting my drug. That doesn't mean by any means that quitting is easy or painless. When you quit your body aches beyond belief and keeping your eyes open takes every bit of strength you have, leaving no extra energy to do anything else. Then on top of the pain you have horrible mood swings, you're either crying or yelling at everyone or everything you come in contact with. The longer the drug has been used, the more severe your side effects will be. In short, it sucks! With this being said, I have been using for a good 11 years. So you can probably imagine my side effects. I know quitting isn't going to kill me. But how am I going to possibly get through the first couple weeks working full-time and having to be a mom. I want sobriety but it really seems like an impossible goal. How do I just stop doing something that I have been doing a third of my life? I really feel I have succeeded at making hustling a thing of my past. I've managed to close that chapter. But until I am able to come up with a game plan for becoming sober, while still keeping my career and being mommy, the best I'm going to be able to promise myself is just continue to slowly wean myself off. My job and sleeping help with this a lot, by being at work 6-8 hours and sleeping about 6-8 hours that only leaves a quarter of the day to even get high. You minus mommy time out of that and their isn't much time left. So I will get there, I will just keep my long-term goal a daily goal. It's the best I can offer right now.

 

"Giving up on your goal

Because of one setback

is like slashing your other

three tires because of one

flat."

 

Day 41: Halting the Hustle

Day 41: Wanted to share this link to a song I felt inspired by. I love it. Its going to be a daily listener to remind me of my goals and to also remind me I'm not alone. "I Will Be" by Christina Aguilera.

 

 

Day 40: Halting the Huslte

Day 40: Thank you to everyone who has been following my blog, it's because of you all I am able to find the strength to push on. I hit another milestone I had failed to mention. I have attempted to quit hustling in the past and the longest period of time I had quit was 32 days. Being that this is day 41 I have surpassed my previous goal. This time around has been different though, I have never wanted to succeed at something so much in my life. I haven't seen or talked (with the exception of Facebook messages) to my oldest child in over a year, one reason being I was hustling. She also suffers from drug addiction with drugs much more addictive than my drug of choice. She made the decision to run off with her boyfriend to another city several hours away because she seen it as her only way to sobriety. She has little or no contact with anyone of her pass. With the help of NA, her boyfriend and her own personal strength she has remained sober for 16 months, has a job and is working on getting her high school diploma. She doesn't understand that I am open to her choices, I only want the best for her...if this is what she needed to do to be successful I am fully supportive. She has promised that I will get to see her again when she is 18, which is just a little over a month away. Because of this it is extremely important for drugs to be a thing of my past, for her. This has been the hardest year of my life, feeling as if I lost two kids, not just my son that was adopted. I need these holes filled by having all my children I can back in my life.
Tomorrow I will once again face my demons. I will be going to my new job completely sober. I want to be the best and hate being any less, so this has me very scared. I am fortunate that the job shouldn't be more than a couple of hours long, but it does require me to be there at 7am. So I will just pray to my Lord to give me natural energy to get through the day and lots of coffee. Well, off to bed 7am will be here very soon.

"Addiction is not a disease of willpower.

It's a disease of instinct. It lives in the

part of the brain that tells you to breathe."

Day 39: Halting the Hustle

Day 39: My new job is going well. I was only scheduled a couple of days until my performance was seen for the first time yesterday. Now I have a full schedule consisting of only one day off.  I am actually enjoying what I'm doing and its so nice to get out of the house.
The struggle of my journey has had almost 1000 views. That within its self is quite an accomplishment. I pray if there is anyone else out there who doesn't think they can quit hustling they are able to find inspiration from my story. Cause I am testimony to where there's a will there is defiantly a way. I thought because I didn't have a car I wouldn't be able to get to job and if I can't get to work I defiantly couldn't get my baby to daycare. I didn't give up, I kept asking around and the Lord put a few special friends in my path. A couple of those friends help me to get a job with them giving me transportation and a job. Two other special friends and my daughter have offered to watch my son at my house for free when I work. God truly answered my prayers. Hustling was never going to provide me a future to be proud of. I am one of the fortunate ones that has never caught a case,  so the only limitations are the ones I place on myself. The sky is my limit!

" Success is the ability to go from

one failure to another with

no loss of enthusiasm."

-Winston Churchill-